FRIDAY, Dec. 26, 2003 (HealthDayNews) -- It is often the family traditions of the holiday season that make this time of year special, but those same rituals can make the death of a loved one harder to bear.
"The holidays are frequently a difficult time in families who've lost a loved one. There are rituals that go along with the holidays, and those rituals are interrupted without that person," explains Heather Servaty-Seib, a professor at Purdue University and a grief counselor in West Lafayette, Ind.
"People have very strong memories at the holidays of being around people to whom they have been close, and not having those people at the holidays often makes them re-experience the grief reaction," adds Dr. Brian Bruno, director of Inpatient and Emergency Psychiatry at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City.
The important thing is to acknowledge these feelings, talk about them and do whatever makes you the most comfortable, Servaty-Seib says.
Some people might want to follow the same holiday traditions they have always practiced, others might want to travel and do something that has no connection with their holiday memories, Servaty-Seib says.
And it really doesn't matter.
"There's no checklist of things that you should do. Grief doesn't work that way," she says. "You can't say what any one person will experience. It depends on the uniqueness of the person, and on the uniqueness of the person's relation to the deceased."
What will help, Servaty-Seib adds, "is to be patient with yourself and just accept that the difficulties that you're experiencing are the first step of the process of integration of the experience itself into your life."
Both doctors recommend talking with others.
"I often strongly advise people to take advantage of the season by being around people as much as possible and communicating how you're feeling," Bruno says. "This helps normalize the whole process of grief and loss."
This includes children, Servaty-Seib adds.
"Talking about death is a very difficult task, but bringing up things won't hurt the child," she says. "They know when there's sadness and conflicts, and by opening up that door, you are respecting the child as a thinking, fully human being."
However, don't be surprised if children don't respond the way you think they will, Servaty-Seib says, because they are less mature emotionally.
Children under 5, for instance, are too young to understand that death is final, while adolescents are old enough to know that death is permanent but they can't believe that it's going to ever really happen, she says.
"Children will say, 'I don't want to talk about it,' or 'I haven't really thought about it,'" she says, "but they will remember that the parent asked."
For people who don't have strong family ties on the holidays, Bruno recommends seeking out a support group where they can learn coping skills.
"It gives people an opportunity to share, and understand that what they're going through is a normal process," he says.
"Often people think grief is only sadness, but grief is multidimensional," says Servaty-Seib, adding it includes other emotions such as anger and guilt, physical symptoms such as stomachaches and difficulty concentrating, and intellectual questioning about the meaning of life and death.
And the holidays, as painful as they can be, offer people the chance to work through some of those many layers of grief.
"You're no longer the same person you were," Servaty-Seib says. "But if a person talks with his family and understands the importance of the communication itself, it will help him integrate the experience of death and loss better."
More information
The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing outlines common reactions people have to the death of a loved one. The National Mental Health Association has a fact sheet on coping with loss.
